Don't Fear the Silence

“Happy is the person who meditates on wisdom and reasons intelligently,

Who reflects on his heart and on her ways and ponders her secrets,

Pursuing her like a hunter, and lying in wait on her paths;

Who peers through her windows and listens at her doors;” Sirach 14:20-23

That old saying, “You have two ears and one mouth because you are supposed to listen twice as much as you speak,” is great advice. Today we are a people that have every kind of impulse and distraction in front of us. You could say that it is so hard to get a quiet moment, let alone a quiet moment with God.

All through the bible we are told that we are supposed to be quiet and meditate on God’s word and listen to his voice, guidance and instruction. Today we have T.V.s with hundreds of channels and have access to distractions and noise at the click of a mouse or a swipe of a smart phone. Knowledge is right at our fingertips and we are a culture of ADHD. In all of that how are we supposed to find quiet?

This topic brings to mind one of my favorite books, Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk. In this book the author writes about how we are addicted to noise and sound and has some really great quotes about life in general. It is a great philosophical read about the human condition. One of my favorite quotes from the book is a reference to 1984 by Orwell:

“Big Brother isn’t watching. He’s singing and dancing. He’s pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother’s busy holding your attention every moment you’re awake. He’s making sure you’re always distracted. He’s making sure you are fully absorbed.”

With propagandas in our face every second of every day it is no surprise that we have become so absorbed with consumerism. Marketing says that we have to get the message, ploy or product in front of as many people as often as you can afford to. The world wants your attention and we give it to the world. To raise our children we must make sure that they not only go to school but have one or two after school programs that keep them busy and four hours of homework every night. That’s what they need to stay out of trouble.

If we are to meditate on God’s word daily, what does that mean? Does that mean Yoga? What is the draw of yoga besides the things the world tells us? It is a stress reduction technique and much more. It is a way to relieve stress, tension and offer peace. It is a really healthy thing that is needed in this world right now. Many people that cannot take time out to just have some peace and quiet to be with themselves and the ones they love will sit and be quiet in this activity.

At least they are getting a few moments of peace. When is the last time you sat and listened to the rain fall outside? When was the last time you just sat quietly and cleared your mind of everything that was going on in it? We need quiet. It is in this quiet that we hear God’s voice most clearly.

The man in the bible that is thought of as being the most wise human being in the bible is Solomon. God poured wisdom into him like a fount. I find it funny that he says more than anyone else the word Meditate. Webster defines Meditate as spending time in quiet thought for religious purposes or relaxation. Be quiet and listen.

You cannot listen when you speak. You must hold quiet so you can hear. Turn off the TV, close the computer. Turn off the phones, tablets and game systems. Take a deep breath and as you exhale clear your mind of everything you are keeping track of. Say a prayer to God and then just sit quietly for a minute. May mercy, peace, and love be yours in abundance (Jude 1:2). It’s there for you, but you just have to be willing to accept it.

Peace is a gift from God just as Salvation is, but like Salvation we have an obligation to seek it and hold quietly upon it. With a world of distractions how can we as a people be listening to God? Do we wonder why the world has grown so far from God and we hesitate to call ourselves Christians because we don’t want to be associated with some people that call themselves Christian. Oh I’m Christian but I’m not that kind of Christian.

We cannot serve the world and serve God. We cannot listen to the world and listen to God at the same time. We cannot talk and hear at the same time. Stop waiting for your turn to speak and take your long past turn to listen. God is waiting on you to turn your face to him and you can’t if your face is staring at Wolf Blitzer, the latest reality show, or the stock market. How hard is it to kiss your spouse without looking at them?

How hard is it to love someone that you are ignoring? It’s impossible. It is also impossible for you to receive love when you are similarly distracted. Take a walk and be with God. Maybe you need to start a little closer to the flesh and take a walk with your family, or just have dinner with them. Spend time with them by spending time with them, not occupying the same room with them to be distracted by, “Whoo hoo new building!” or checking what crops need to be harvested in Farmville.

How can you draw closer to the blood that you share in your home if you have no interest in learning about them? We are noiseaholics and have allowed ourselves to become fully taken in by the distractions of the world. You are strange when you say that you don’t watch TV or don’t have Netflix. We must share the love of Christ with others, but we also have to have the time to receive it ourselves. The importance of being quiet and sitting with God and then being with other people is without paramount.

How can we Love God with all our heart and Love others as we love ourselves if we do not take the time required to actually love them? I’m not talking about dedicating more time to study of God’s word, but that helps. What I’m saying is for one day, one night, one hour turn off all distractions and just be. Take a minute or hour to be with God and then do the same with those around you. Loving others requires interaction with others.

No matter how successful you are, you can still find yourself lonely and alone even when you are surrounded by people. No matter how poor you are, you can spend a little time with the Lord or with another person to share the love that we all have been given. Love doesn’t cost any amount of money and money can only complicate it.

The greatest gift that you can give your wife is love and affection. The greatest gift you can give your husband is love and affection. The greatest gift you can receive from God is Love. Love is all that God asks in return. Can Candy Crush love you? Will Farmville teach you anything about God’s plan for us? Can WoW give us peace, mercy and love? What is distracting you from being in love? What is keeping you from peace today? Turn it off. God has a plan for every problem. No matter how big the bug in your code, you won’t figure it out until you step away from it. God’s there in that too.

One hour, give it a try… at worst you just wasted an hour of the day, we do a lot more than that flipping channels or on youtube watching cats do silly things. How bad can it be to waste it on God?

“There are worse things you can do to the people you love than kill them. The regular way is just to watch the world do it. Just read the newspaper.” Chuck Palahniuk, Lullaby

Power of Words

It’s not what goes into the mouth that defiles a man, but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man. Mat 15:11

The power that our tongue has is one that is hard to understand. How such a small part of our body as a whole has so much power that it is a constant warning throughout the entire bible. This is something that I did not understand until after I began going through counseling and preparing for Deliverance Ministry.

The topic of Deliverance Ministry is a touchy one for a lot of people, but it is one of the reasons I’m doing as well as I am doing right now. During my life wandering spiritually I spoke many things that harmed me and my soul. There are things that I allowed for the sake of understanding, knowledge or power that wounded me deeply.

I profess with my word that these things were wrong and I know that now, but when you are wandering in the dark it’s hard to tell friend from foe. My first steps were in tests. If this flame will change color then there is truth to these words. I wanted to see a response, and I received one. Well if that worked what else will work?

Down the slope I went until I began to allow spirits, demons, into my being. I swore oaths turning myself over as a vessel for the evil ones to use. With these words I allowed them to do with me what they would. It was depravity after another as I carved out sections of who I am and who I was becoming to allow them to do with me what they will.

For my seeking I did receive knowledge and wisdom through my folly. However, by knowing the names of demons, they also learn yours. As you go deeper and deeper into the abyss you see things that you cannot unsee. You learn things that you cannot forget. And you do things that you cannot undo. I had become a man filled with Hate, Lust, Anger, Destruction and filled with dreams of a truly violent death and being happy with it.

I am very glad that things happened when they did. God is good. He warned me to turn away, but I would not listen. Who knows how many demons where walking around in my flesh at any point in time. Was I hearing voices? No… just thoughts. Was I schizophrenic? No… Possession is much different from that. When you open yourself up to the demonic host, you get what they want… not what you want.

All of this was done with words. I swore oaths. Dedicated myself to thoughts and uttered blasphemies. Many of them I can still bring to mind even now. I have not spoken those words in over 5 years, but I still hear them. I denounced my salvation, my right and privilege as a child of God. But even with that, God did not give up on me.

I was the wayward son, lost in the depths of the ocean. He was waiting on me to make my choice and to say the words that he told me to say. All I had to do was ask for forgiveness.

As a fool’s tongue leads to strife and folly (Proverbs 18), only with wisdom gained from folly did I see how much of a fool I had become. I had to be put in a situation where there was nothing to distract me from the truth. I needed my Grey Door.

Upon my release from my Grey Door, my journey was only still beginning. I was a new child of God once more, but my tongue had still opened doors that were not yet closed. I had not done this alone either, and because it was with a union of souls with my wife. We had to be separated for God to begin working on us.

We began receiving counseling. We had a church that supported us as we were a challenge to the leadership of the church. Thank God for Providence Road Church of Christ (http://prcoc.org). We were going to Celebrate Recovery on top of the therapy. Our counselor quickly realized that we were outside her area of expertise and had found someone in the area that works on people with Occult pasts.

Clay Barnes met with us. He was the one that shined the light of the true power of words. In the first session I found myself renouncing oaths with the same verbiage that I used when speaking them. They had to be the same in order to close the doors that were opened. He too felt that we needed something rare. He suggested Deliverance Ministry.

We went into it and again had to be separated. The spirits within myself and my wife could not be removed is we were together. We went through six one-hour long sessions before we were turned back over to Clay. It was a very long process and we came a long way. Still It’s been three years since we finished with that and only now am I speaking about the power of words.

Still now, still so young in Christ with everything that I have seen and gone through. James knew what he was talking about:

“So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites. And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is places among the parts of our bodies. It pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell” James 3:5-6

So what’s next? It is time for the truth to spew forth from my mouth. With that said. Mind your tongue; do not let it become wild and untamed. My journey is not one I wish any of you to follow. I was Christian, then nothing. I then became Wiccan then a practitioner of Witchcraft. From there I became a Satanist. I became a leader for the enemy. Then I became nothing once more, which was better than what I was, and then once more a Child of God. I came back home and the Father was waiting for me.

If I can blaspheme his name, renounce his gifts, spit on his image, walk with those that would stand against him and make friends among the demons of hell and he forgives me…. I know he would forgive you.

Won't Back Down

Have you ever had those moments that struck very powerfully in your mind. Today I had one of those moments. Standing in church singing and praising the Lord with all the horrible sounds that I could muster, when I closed my eyes to pray as I sang along. A line from another song came to mind and an image stood clearly in my mind.

The song was “Won't Back Down” by Tom Petty. The line of course was, “You can stand me up at the gates of hell and I won't back down.” Powerful words, but paled in comparison to the image that joined it. A truly scary image, scary for what it symbolizes.

I saw myself standing in that dark cavern that I have traveled through in my mind so many times in my past. Standing there at the threshold, at the gate was myself standing in chainmail with a very large white shield with the red cross on it. Cross helm and white sir coat with the always known red cross. Standing there I plunged a flag into the ground with and stood very strong and proudly. It was so impressive looking so large and strong and powerful. I looked as if I were a human wall with a look upon my face so sure that nothing held behind that gate would get past me.

Images similar to these have not been too far from my face in recent days. They come in different forms and shapes, but still with this power and strength that I do not possess. That is what is so scary about this image, the strength that one would have to have to stand there like that knowing what horrors await. Strength that no mortal possess. It is so humbling to see these images for me.

The Lord makes all thing possible, this truth I know. I have walked through those fires and seen their faces and know their names. Through this darkness they too know my face. My name. They know the pride, the anger that once was held within me. They know the weaknesses of my flesh. They know my lusts and desires, they know me better than I know them. They know that I once toasted a glass to their honor and their power, and stood as opposition to God.

In the end their promises of power were without ground. They could provide temporary strength, only for periods of time that God allowed. Through my own desires to be more than a human, my body mind and soul were torn asunder. I look at who I was then and do not recognize that face. They made a monster out of me and I relished in it. My faith in them was strong, so strong that I thought, no I believed that I could walk into heavens gates and tear God from the throne.

Talk about delusional. They do not have this power and they cannot give it to any man, woman or child. And now with this image in my mind. I was too weak to stand that vigil for the demons of hell. This is the same flesh, the same bones and the same blood. How can God expect that of me?

God knows my heart and he knows the good that I would love to do. He knows that I weep over the hurt that I have caused in the past. Even though I am forgiven for it, I still weep knowing all those lives that I helped destroy. The pain that I have caused to my family, friends and those that looked to me as a leader. They looked to me to guide them and give them strength. I lead them only to destruction, the same road that I was going down.

How then, in such a short amount of time, can I stand so strong for the Lord? Am I strong enough to do this? Only God knows. That is the message here. It is not about me and my past, but know this. Through all the bad that I have done, God is now getting the Glory just as he will. God's hand was the only one that could reach down and pull me out of the flames. Only his grace in good enough and strong enough to break my heart. He wrestled me and made me give it all to him.

Do I have the strength to stand at the gates of hell and not back down? Do I have the strength to stand vigil as someone to bring hope and courage to those that have none? Do I have the wisdom to know what to say to those that are going down the road I traveled? The answer is simple, No.

No, I do not have this strength. My flesh is weak and is built in sin, there is no strength in these bones, blood and mind. That is where the wicked fail. They believe that these temporal forms can bi given the power to combat things that are eternal.

“For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him so that body of sin might be destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin. For whoever has died is freed from sin. But if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus” Romans 6:5-11

Only through Faith in Christ Jesus shall we know the strength and power that God will grant. That power is through knowing that we stand with the one true God. Through his grace mercy and peace will we be empowered to do things that are far beyond what we may do. This is not a cry to say that if you want power become a Christian. No on the contrary, through realizing how weak we are, we learn that the power of God through Christ is insurmountable.

Will I stand so vigil? With the Lord of Heaven and earth beside me, behind me and in me. Of course I will. So long as I don the armor of faith and stand on the pillar of faith that is the foundation of all that we are. God is the Lord of Heaven and Earth, he became flesh in the Son Jesus Christ, whom lived the perfect life and sacrificed himself for those that could not live perfect.

Even Aristotle said that perfection is akin to a force that cannot exist here in this world even for a second. This world is broken and to be perfect you will transcend to something more and beyond all that we know. In our lives we will see these moments within ourselves for only seconds when we stand beside ourselves in disbelief. In those moments, Praise Lord that you have received the grace and glory to do his work in all you do.

I stand in opposition of what the demons in hell wished for me. If they had their way, I would probably be with them now, dead. Through that death my soul would forever be lost and held beneath. But God pulled me from that hell, and placed me here. He redeemed me and Justified my actions and made me upright. Not perfect, just as flawed and broken, but upright. There is a difference.

Those of you that feel as if you are being swallowed by the flames of hell. Know that I have stood in those flames. I willingly walked into those fires and am being prepared to possibly do the same, with a different agenda. Only God knows what he has in store for me. But I will stand with you if you ask of it. Give me your hand and together we can find a road back to more solid ground. I'll walk with you for a while, until I can get you to someone that can take you the rest of the way.

The fires became a home for me once and I stand against them now. Lord give me the strength that I do not possess. As you prepare me for what is to come, help me become more able to stand with those that are hurting. Guide me to know what to say or where to go, so all those that have lost their lives around me can have a little more hope, and find peace in you. Too many have died not knowing your love or feeling abandoned by the world, or their pride kept them from reaching out. Lord you know my heart, I know you are preparing me, I know that you will use me. Lord give me the strength that I do not have.

I leave with the prayer for the full armor of God:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power. Put on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore Take up the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to withstand on that evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand therefore, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist and put on the breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of these take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ~Ephesians 6:10-17