Have you ever had those moments that
struck very powerfully in your mind. Today I had one of those
moments. Standing in church singing and praising the Lord with all
the horrible sounds that I could muster, when I closed my eyes to
pray as I sang along. A line from another song came to mind and an
image stood clearly in my mind.
The song was “Won't Back Down” by
Tom Petty. The line of course was, “You can stand me up at the
gates of hell and I won't back down.” Powerful words, but paled in
comparison to the image that joined it. A truly scary image, scary
for what it symbolizes.
I saw myself standing in that dark
cavern that I have traveled through in my mind so many times in my
past. Standing there at the threshold, at the gate was myself
standing in chainmail with a very large white shield with the red
cross on it. Cross helm and white sir coat with the always known red
cross. Standing there I plunged a flag into the ground with and stood
very strong and proudly. It was so impressive looking so large and
strong and powerful. I looked as if I were a human wall with a look
upon my face so sure that nothing held behind that gate would get
past me.
Images similar to these have not been
too far from my face in recent days. They come in different forms and
shapes, but still with this power and strength that I do not possess.
That is what is so scary about this image, the strength that one
would have to have to stand there like that knowing what horrors
await. Strength that no mortal possess. It is so humbling to see
these images for me.
The Lord makes all thing possible, this
truth I know. I have walked through those fires and seen their faces
and know their names. Through this darkness they too know my face. My
name. They know the pride, the anger that once was held within me.
They know the weaknesses of my flesh. They know my lusts and desires,
they know me better than I know them. They know that I once toasted a
glass to their honor and their power, and stood as opposition to God.
In the end their promises of power were
without ground. They could provide temporary strength, only for
periods of time that God allowed. Through my own desires to be more
than a human, my body mind and soul were torn asunder. I look at who
I was then and do not recognize that face. They made a monster out of
me and I relished in it. My faith in them was strong, so strong that
I thought, no I believed that I could walk into heavens gates and
tear God from the throne.
Talk about delusional. They do not have
this power and they cannot give it to any man, woman or child. And
now with this image in my mind. I was too weak to stand that vigil
for the demons of hell. This is the same flesh, the same bones and
the same blood. How can God expect that of me?
God knows my heart and he knows the
good that I would love to do. He knows that I weep over the hurt that
I have caused in the past. Even though I am forgiven for it, I still
weep knowing all those lives that I helped destroy. The pain that I
have caused to my family, friends and those that looked to me as a
leader. They looked to me to guide them and give them strength. I
lead them only to destruction, the same road that I was going down.
How then, in such a short amount of
time, can I stand so strong for the Lord? Am I strong enough to do
this? Only God knows. That is the message here. It is not about me
and my past, but know this. Through all the bad that I have done, God
is now getting the Glory just as he will. God's hand was the only one
that could reach down and pull me out of the flames. Only his grace
in good enough and strong enough to break my heart. He wrestled me
and made me give it all to him.
Do I have the strength to stand at the
gates of hell and not back down? Do I have the strength to stand
vigil as someone to bring hope and courage to those that have none?
Do I have the wisdom to know what to say to those that are going down
the road I traveled? The answer is simple, No.
No, I do not have this strength. My
flesh is weak and is built in sin, there is no strength in these
bones, blood and mind. That is where the wicked fail. They believe
that these temporal forms can bi given the power to combat things
that are eternal.
“For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will
certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that
our old self was crucified with him so that body of sin might be
destroyed, and we might no longer be enslaved to sin. For whoever has
died is freed from sin. But if we have died with Christ, we believe
that we will also live raised from the dead, will never die again;
death no longer has dominion over him. So you also must consider
yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus” Romans
6:5-11
Only through
Faith in Christ Jesus shall we know the strength and power that God
will grant. That power is through knowing that we stand with the one
true God. Through his grace mercy and peace will we be empowered to
do things that are far beyond what we may do. This is not a cry to
say that if you want power become a Christian. No on the contrary,
through realizing how weak we are, we learn that the power of God
through Christ is insurmountable.
Will I stand so
vigil? With the Lord of Heaven and earth beside me, behind me and in
me. Of course I will. So long as I don the armor of faith and stand
on the pillar of faith that is the foundation of all that we are. God
is the Lord of Heaven and Earth, he became flesh in the Son Jesus
Christ, whom lived the perfect life and sacrificed himself for those
that could not live perfect.
Even Aristotle
said that perfection is akin to a force that cannot exist here in
this world even for a second. This world is broken and to be perfect
you will transcend to something more and beyond all that we know. In
our lives we will see these moments within ourselves for only seconds
when we stand beside ourselves in disbelief. In those moments, Praise
Lord that you have received the grace and glory to do his work in all
you do.
I stand in
opposition of what the demons in hell wished for me. If they had
their way, I would probably be with them now, dead. Through that
death my soul would forever be lost and held beneath. But God pulled
me from that hell, and placed me here. He redeemed me and Justified
my actions and made me upright. Not perfect, just as flawed and
broken, but upright. There is a difference.
Those of you that
feel as if you are being swallowed by the flames of hell. Know that I
have stood in those flames. I willingly walked into those fires and
am being prepared to possibly do the same, with a different agenda.
Only God knows what he has in store for me. But I will stand with you
if you ask of it. Give me your hand and together we can find a road
back to more solid ground. I'll walk with you for a while, until I
can get you to someone that can take you the rest of the way.
The fires became
a home for me once and I stand against them now. Lord give me the
strength that I do not possess. As you prepare me for what is to
come, help me become more able to stand with those that are hurting.
Guide me to know what to say or where to go, so all those that have
lost their lives around me can have a little more hope, and find
peace in you. Too many have died not knowing your love or feeling
abandoned by the world, or their pride kept them from reaching out.
Lord you know my heart, I know you are preparing me, I know that you
will use me. Lord give me the strength that I do not have.
I leave with the
prayer for the full armor of God:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his power. Put
on the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against
the wiles of the devil. For our struggle is not against enemies of
blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities,
against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the
spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore Take up
the whole armor of God, so that you may be able to withstand on that
evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand therefore,
and fasten the belt of truth around your waist and put on the
breastplate of righteousness. As shoes for your feet put on whatever
will make you ready to proclaim the gospel of peace. With all of
these take the shield of faith, with which you will be able to quench
all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation,
and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ~Ephesians
6:10-17
